Why You Can’t Stop Mentally Masturbating
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among young men today. They spend 99% of their lives living in their head, but never taking action in real life. They leave comments on Reddit forums and YouTube videos about how much they understand their problems, quote psychologists and philosophers, and even help encourage others in the comments section.
But despite how much information they know, their lives do not reflect the fruits of that knowledge.
This is the plight of the serial mental masturbator.
I used to be a serial mental masturbator.
I absolutely loved spending time in my head daydreaming about grand ideas, how I’d save the world, and finally receiving the recognition I believe I deserved.
I had LOTS of thoughts, some quite insightful, but none of it turned into real action.
This is the predicament for many young men today.
Many of these young men continue to tune into podcasts, books, or another productivity app.
If that’s you, here is the harsh truth:
You don’t need to listen to another Huberman podcast, audiobook, or YouTube video on productivity or motivation.
You don’t need to draft up another Notion document to organize your thoughts.
You don’t need to speed read another book or AI book summary.
What you must confront is your avoidance (nothing is quite as seductively avoidant as appearing like you’re doing a lot, while doing nothing at all).
After working with numerous men in 1:1 coaching, my men’s group, observing myself, and observing the collective of men at large I have identified 2 core issues that drive mental masturbation.
1. Peter Pan syndrome (the eternal boy/man-child).
Jungian analyst, Marie-Louise von Franz, described this condition as men who refuse to grow up.
These men never differentiated from their mother and thus stay stuck in the prison of their mother complex.
Franz's quote in the above picture described me to a T.
I loved to pontificate. As long as I could stay in the realm of fantasy I felt powerful. It was my way of coping in a world where I felt too weak and impotent to create the life I wanted.
So I built my identity on a double life. I was a good boy who listened to mommy & authority. Then in private I danced in the shadows.
Porn, video games, & grandiose day dreaming were my opium... until my fantasy was shattered.
The emotions and existential crisis that I went through after my fantasy was shattered is beautifully captured by this man’s comment on a Reddit forum about the Puer Aeternus ⬇️
This man’s response is an example of something called narcissistic collapse. In essence, his self-image can no longer be maintained by his ego because he felt so thoroughly seen and exposed by Franz’s words that the final defense is shame and rage.
This collapse is what many men are defending against when they mentally masturbate. It’s the idea of change that they are seduced by, not the action it would actually require.
Yet, this collapse of the idealistic ego and boyish fantasy is precisely what boys and men must go through in order to come into contact with mature masculinity. This brings us to the second core issue behind mental masturbation.
2. Lack of male role models & guidance.
This is the earthly masculinity that Franz spoke about that is missing for so many young men. Loyal to their mother complex, they are often suspicious of men.
They see the masculine as a threat to their fragile ego, because they know on a subconscious level that the masculine cuts through illusions and goes straight to the heart of the matter.
The question I hated when I shared my ideas with other men was, "What will you do about it?"
I wanted validation of my fantasies, not accountability.
So I hid from men, sharing as little as possible, while I looked to women for validation.
So many men are doing the exact same. They don’t see the woman in front of them, they see 1) a projection of their greatest hopes onto a woman and 2) someone to protect him from having to grow up and face accountability from men.
The above screenshot is from a DM exchange with a man who found me through Instagram.
His experience is not an isolated one.
I've worked with numerous men 1:1 and in my men's group and I have attended men's groups & retreats myself.
The same dynamic shows up. Men seeking female validation.
This is THE defining issue of our time for men of all ages. The male loneliness epidemic is merely the symptom.
Until men address these 2 core issues they will continue to ruminate, masturbate, & hunger after female validation... all while avoiding male accountability.
Now that you understand the gravity of the origin of mental masturbation, I want to give you some good news.
The energy you spend on mental masturbation is immense.
Imagine what you could accomplish if you channeled all that energy towards all the things you've been avoiding.
What would life be like in 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? A year from now?
For me this turning point came after over a year of depression and analysis paralysis.
I was working for my mom at the time and dreaded every day I spent at her office helping her. In between doing menial tasks around the office I journaled. Each journal entry was soaked with desperation and cries of, “why me God? Why is this happening to me?”
I didn’t just carry this heavy Eeyore energy around my mom; I brought it into my social circles as well.
My friends were appropriately fed up with me. One of them straight up gave me a book titled, "Just Do Something."
I finally did and 3 extraordinary things happened:
1. Synchronicity.
One day I sat down with a blank sheet of paper and drew two circles. In one I wrote down my strengths. In the other I wrote down my weaknesses.
My intention was to see what qualities I could spot about myself and see which professions would fit well with those qualities. What stood out was the fact that I enjoyed one-on-one conversations with others, especially when the conversations went deep. That little exercise sparked in me the idea to pursue a master's in counseling psychology.
One week after making that decision I met a counselor (at my mom’s office of all places). I asked her if she’d be open to meeting with me over coffee so I could ask her questions about the path to becoming a counselor.
In that conversation she gave me the contact info of a friend of hers who was attending the exact school at the top of my list.
I began fall 2015 and graduated summer 2018.
2. Both my mom and grandma were hospitalized.
My grandma passed out & broke her hip a month before my master's started. I spent several nights at the hospital praying and hoping she’d make it.
I was in my car the day I received the call from the admissions office. “Hi Roy! I just wanted to call and say we are so excited to let you know you’ve been accepted into the 2015 cohort!” “Wow…” I replied. “I’m not sure what to say. My grandma is in the hospital and I’m not sure how to process all of this.”
This wasn’t the end of the shocking events. 3 months later my mom got hit by a car going 90mph in a local area.
Both my mom and grandma survived their ordeal, but I was shaken by these events. “What is going on?” I thought.
I did wonder if I should quit my master's and take care of my mom and grandma, but ultimately chose to move forward. Looking back now, it's interesting to consider those shocking events as a symbol of my separation from the mother complex.
3. My whole worldview crumbled.
My counseling program and the required 40 hours of outside counseling completely flipped my world upside down.
Who I thought I was, how I believed the world worked, why I believed what I believed all got deconstructed. It felt like my whole self-concept had been shattered.
But I also began to learn more about myself and get to the root of why my life was the way it was. I understood why I lived in fantasy so often. I realized how enmeshed I was with my mother. I learned why I got along better with women than men.
Fast forward 11 years later, I am now married to an amazing woman and run my own business where I guide men to break these exact limitations in their own lives.
The me 11 years ago, stuck mentally masturbating, could have never conceived of where he'd be today.
But what I appreciate about him is that he had the courage to make just one decision.
He didn't need to be confident or perfect, just willing.
And there you have it. You now know:
1. The two core issues that drive mental masturbation.
2. How your life will change once you address these two issues.
What will you do with this information? Because even knowing this is another form of mental masturbation if you do nothing.
To do nothing is to stay in the same looping pain points of the man-child:
❌ Avoidance of commitment & responsibility
❌ FOMO to the extent that you do nothing at all
❌ Superiority/inferiority complex
❌ Fantasies of grandeur that never manifest in reality
Ask yourself the hard questions ⬇️
Do you recognize the Puer Aeternus within you?
Do you tell yourself & women grand tales of what you want to do in the world but don’t follow through?
Are you into spirituality & philosophy but can’t get your finances in order?
If this sounds like you, then you’re likely a heart-centered man who is kind, caring, and sensitive but lacks roots.
This is exactly the kind of thing I help men shift & change in my men’s membership Sacred Circle.
A man in my group had been struggling with overwhelm.
Lethargy & rumination were his MO.
He knew what to do, but just couldn't get himself to do it.
He understood inner work conceptually, but it hadn’t translated to outer transformation.
After deeper investigation into his beliefs & the function they have been serving, he has been more open to challenging his growth edges vs staying in the drama of the impotent Puer. He’s even expressed greater excitement at doing stuff that challenges him.
This is the value of male contact.
When you're in a circle of good men who hold your feet to the fire from love & belief in your highest potential, you will transform.
Insight turns into action.
Spirituality becomes embodied.
And you penetrate the world.
Joining the Sacred Circle membership will give you access to:
🔥 Monthly group calls + recordings.
🔥 Video library with course content.
🔥 Private Telegram group chat.
🔥 Monthly action challenges.
This group is by application only. I am very selective about who I accept into this membership. My intention is that the men who join are men who embody a growth mindset, take personal responsibility, are willing to let go of victim mentality, are coachable, and are willing to invest in themselves.
If you’re ready to drop mental masturbation and want to grow alongside a brotherhood of heart-centered men committed to actualizing their potential, book a call and let's chat to see if Sacred Circle is a good fit for you (serious inquiries only).
Thank you for taking the time to read.
If you are interested in:
Psychospiritual inner work
Relationships + masculine/feminine polarity
Existential musings
Insights on collective consciousness
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Peace,
Roy