I Was Ready To Give Up On Healing Until I Changed This Belief

It was August of 2017.

I had been in therapy for over a year at this point. I was in my 2nd year of my master's program studying counseling psychology. I was in a dance/movement therapy group.

Yet on the last night of an intense weekend retreat with healers and fellow participants I felt sad, dissatisfied, and angry.

“When is my miracle?” I thought angrily. “Other people seem to be happy after this whole experience… so why am I left feeling worse than when I came in?”

As I drove home that evening under the moonlight, head lights illuminating just a portion of the road before me, I thought to myself: “Whatever, might as well keep going.”

That’s it.

No glorious parting of the heavens and angels singing.
No download from the Akashic records.
No third eye laser beams.
Just a f*cking simple thought as insignificant as throwing a tiny pebble into the ocean.

But it was this seemingly insignificant thought that caused a subtle shift that rippled throughout my being.

That simple, insignificant thought was the beginning of acceptance. 

I had given up the belief that if I scrubbed harder, faster, and did more cathartic BIG experiences that I’d finally clean away some intangible spot within me.

I unknowingly made peace with the circumstances in my life that weren’t how I preferred them to be. 

I didn’t realize any of this consciously at the time.

I simply decided I’d continue showing up to life anyways even if things didn’t go the way I wanted them to.

Then one day things were different.

I was not sulking anymore.
I experienced a quiet satisfaction within myself and with life.
My friends and classmates mirrored this back to me. 

I imagine some of you reading this can relate. You’ve experienced that conflict within of looking at those around you and then comparing yourself to them. 

“Where’s my breakthrough?”
“Why haven’t I gotten that sale?”
“Why haven’t I met my beloved yet?”
“I’ve been doing the work!”
“How are they so grateful?”
“How come everyone else can’t stop talking about what great plant medicine trips they had and I’m barely holding onto sanity?”

It’s become popular in the modern psychospiritual circles & personal development to speak of “quantum leaps” and “collapsing timelines.”

While there are elements of truth there and transformation can occur in an instant, we’ve forgotten the wisdom and value of slow growth. 

In the words of Lao Tzu, “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”

Perhaps there are people who genuinely quantum leap all the time. Good for them. That’s how they roll.

There are probably also many others who are cosplaying the image of quantum leapers. “Let’s put on a show, spin around, and stir ourselves into a frenzy and we too may be able to spiritually ma-5turbate ourselves into a big change that we can then sell to others.”

Sometimes when there is little happening externally there is actually a lot happening under the surface. And when it seems like a lot is happening on the surface, there isn't much happening internally.

Change takes time. To witness the fruit of those changes requires patience. It's something I often wrestle with.

"When? Still? How much longer?"

I wriggle and squirm after waiting for what I have deemed a good amount of time. The temptation is to push harder and do something to create the illusion of movement and progress, but such actions are often reactionary as opposed to mature.

What I’ve found to be my medicine is recognizing that it is when we accept, willingly or begrudgingly, how things are right now that we are in a far clearer and receptive state to find our way forward. 

I’ve come to recognize that my pace and process hasn’t been fast like others. My pace is like this: “the longer it goes the better I get.” 

If you’re someone who has struggled with patience and wondering about when you’ll get your change, miracle, breakthrough moment… meditate on this: your job is not to perfect the process of change, but rather surrender yourself to the process that perfects the change that needs to take place within you.

I’ll leave you with a quote I recently came across that speaks deeply to my soul:

Thank you for taking the time to read.

If you are interested in:

• Psychospiritual inner work

• Relationships + masculine/feminine polarity

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Peace,
Roy