Western culture is littered with romanticized depictions of how lovers come together. It’s in our TV shows, movies, novels, and music. Nothing else drives us as crazy as love. But is this really love as we have been conditioned to believe it?

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It’s no secret that many men struggle with porn addiction. This addiction carries deep shame for a lot of men and they often attempt to try and quit on their own before seeking help. Recovery may be focused on maintaining a streak of abstinence, accountability partners, or interventions to block access to porn. This approach may work for some men. For others, the success of these interventions are short-lived. My aim is to provide some insight into why these traditional approaches are ineffective and present six alternate approaches towards working with porn addiction.

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2021 has been a year of big shifts for me. Old friendships and communities exited my life, while a few new ones entered my life. I abruptly left the place I had worked at for over 2 years once it became clear that changes were being made that did not align with my values. Righteous anger, resentment, and loneliness were frequent emotions I experienced as I watched the world go in a direction I could not accept. And to top it all off, I experienced a spiritual crisis following a plant medicine ceremony that forced me to face my own personal hell. As I am settling down at the end of 2021, I feel happier and lighter than I’ve been in a while, yet also more lost and depressed at the same time.

The men who have chosen to just “play it safe” and do what women want will end up walking in lockstep towards the hill that modern feminists have bitterly decided to die on. These are the Nice Guys and white knights, who still carry the fantasy of pleasing/saving mommy and not being like “those other men.” These men repress and deny the pain and shame they carry, and in doing so repress and deny their masculine edge.

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It is as if a part of me inside is screaming, “No, please! Just hear me out! Don’t hate me! Don’t leave me!” Back to the experience of children, we can’t help but want our family to love, accept, and like us. To not feel this way arouses the terror of being abandoned.

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None of it has been pleasant, but I have deep gratitude for these challenging times. They are the fertile soil for breaking me down and initiating a process of pressurized inner alchemy. Like a seed buried in the earth, I am buried in darkness. In the dark, I have the opportunity to go quiet and within. And like a seed, the inner stirrings of creative potential are activated, ready to birth that which lies within.

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Men who are enmeshed and monogamous to their mothers have great difficulty forming healthy relationships with other women. They carry into those relationships their deepest fantasies and deepest fears, terrified of intimacy and being vulnerable. As hard as it is to admit, our mothers are our first lovers. No other woman can give us that same attention as she did.

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The smooth stones on the ocean shores did not become that way after three or four waves. Those stones smoothed out after years of waves washing over them. So it is the case with spiritual disciplines; they smooth out your rough edges over years of consistent practice.