2021 has been a year of big shifts for me. Old friendships and communities exited my life, while a few new ones entered my life. I abruptly left the place I had worked at for over 2 years once it became clear that changes were being made that did not align with my values. Righteous anger, resentment, and loneliness were frequent emotions I experienced as I watched the world go in a direction I could not accept. And to top it all off, I experienced a spiritual crisis following a plant medicine ceremony that forced me to face my own personal hell. As I am settling down at the end of 2021, I feel happier and lighter than I’ve been in a while, yet also more lost and depressed at the same time.

The men who have chosen to just “play it safe” and do what women want will end up walking in lockstep towards the hill that modern feminists have bitterly decided to die on. These are the Nice Guys and white knights, who still carry the fantasy of pleasing/saving mommy and not being like “those other men.” These men repress and deny the pain and shame they carry, and in doing so repress and deny their masculine edge.

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It is as if a part of me inside is screaming, “No, please! Just hear me out! Don’t hate me! Don’t leave me!” Back to the experience of children, we can’t help but want our family to love, accept, and like us. To not feel this way arouses the terror of being abandoned.

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None of it has been pleasant, but I have deep gratitude for these challenging times. They are the fertile soil for breaking me down and initiating a process of pressurized inner alchemy. Like a seed buried in the earth, I am buried in darkness. In the dark, I have the opportunity to go quiet and within. And like a seed, the inner stirrings of creative potential are activated, ready to birth that which lies within.

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Men who are enmeshed and monogamous to their mothers have great difficulty forming healthy relationships with other women. They carry into those relationships their deepest fantasies and deepest fears, terrified of intimacy and being vulnerable. As hard as it is to admit, our mothers are our first lovers. No other woman can give us that same attention as she did.

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The smooth stones on the ocean shores did not become that way after three or four waves. Those stones smoothed out after years of waves washing over them. So it is the case with spiritual disciplines; they smooth out your rough edges over years of consistent practice.

It seems clear: we choose not to pay attention until we have to, until something turns our world upside down. It can be events unique to an individual such as cancer, a car crash, going bankrupt, death of a loved one, or a painful breakup. And it can be events affecting a collective, as we are currently experiencing.

The fear and stories we are telling are all in our head. More often than not, we are our biggest roadblock. We shoot ourselves in the foot and say, “I’m looking out for you.” Over time, we have come to fear acceptance more than we fear rejection.

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